News round-up: food scares and ayatollahs keep the world weird
TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS, we’ll learn about the food scares that have made headlines around the world.
But first, a news flash. There’s been shocking news from Iran.
Having forced female citizens to dress in circus tents, ayatollahs have finally issued a male dress code.
This is not a joke.
Men in Iran are now banned from having the hairdo known as the mullet: the short-sides-long-back look favored by 1970s British pop stars.
Also illegal is the short male ponytail, as popularized by 1980s advertizing agency staffers.
Third, men who wear gold chains around their necks can be arrested by Tehran authorities.
Usually I despise arbitrary laws dreamed up by ayatollahs, but this time they’re bang on target.
For example, there’s a guy in the office block next to mine who has spiky hair, a choker necklace and knee-crotch trousers which make his legs look 30 cms long.
The universe will never achieve any kind of karmic equilibrium until this man is arrested and charged with multiple counts of looking silly.
So it’s aye-aye, ayatollah.
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Anyway, back to the food scares. After the scary headlines, I was suspicious when someone bought me a salad for lunch.
“What flavor is it?” I asked.
He replied: “E. coli flavor, jet-fresh from Germany.”
I thought he was joking, but then I spotted a giant mutant E. coli bacterium carrying off a cherry tomato.
He told me it was a vegetarian bacon bit, but since when have bacon bits been green, leggy and self-propelling?
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Still, we all have to do our bit to help the recovery of the global salad giants.
Think of those millions of unwanted cucumbers in Europe.
I do hope Spanish farmers can think of somewhere to put them. Into the colons of German politicians, perhaps, inserted from below?
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I typed “food scare” into the Google news search engine.
Reports from every country listed things you shouldn’t eat.
Except for the single report from China which said:
“The Ministry of Health is keeping a close eye on phony food scare reports and will blacklist journalists who write such stories.”
So typical! Other countries fix the problems, Beijing maligns the whistleblowers.
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What we need in Asia is the sort of “freedom of information” laws western countries have.
On Tuesday last week a UK man named Robert Ainsley lodged the following query with his local government: "Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion?”
UK law says the authorities must reply within 20 days, so council spokeswoman Lynn Wyeth said there was “nothing specifically in the emergency plan to state a response to a zombie invasion” but “general disaster plans” which would cover it.
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Here in Asia, we wouldn’t need to ask that question. The walking dead have no need to invade us, since they already dominate the political scene.
It would make more sense to ask:
“What proportion of senior leaders are: a) brain dead and b) fully deceased? Does the number add up to 100 per cent?”
Meanwhile, the giant mutant E. coli bacterium from my salad has crawled out of the box and into an envelope. I may post it to Beijing.
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Note to commentators: I did enjoy your comments on movies etc, in previous column – many thanks. For the papers next week, perhaps an item on “movies ratings”, would be a good one, or gay beers and other non-standard foodstuffs? Ideas gratefully received…
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Food salad pic: Jenny Harada
Other pics: Wikicommons, Cc License
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