By Nury Vittachi
Love is blind? No way. Almost all east-west couples I know are tall Western guys with petite Asian women. How come there are so few Asian guys with Western girls?
"Because Asian men tend to be runtish, puny, wimpy and taciturn, no offence intended," said my Canadian friend Diana.
I chose to take no offence, although it was curious that she had stumbled upon four words which appear on my most recent medical checkup report.
Yet there is one fascinating exception. Britain's late Princess Diana, the ultimate celebrity blonde of the 1990s, was obsessed with Asian guys. That gal had taste! It’s all in Tina Brown's book The Diana Chronicles.
Diana was madly in love with her doctor, a skinny Pakistani named Hasnat Khan. But his family was suspicious of this married, tiara-wearing hussy. The lovesick princess bought several midriff-baring south Asian costumes to add to her allure and even plotted to convert to Islam. Hasnat’s family quickly married him off to a real Asian girl.
Diana, utterly broken-hearted, looked for Asian male substitutes and hooked up with other swarthy, dark-haired men, such as Dodi Fayed. And she was particularly "close" to Hong Kong-based Indian businessman Gulu Lalvani at the time of her death, the book says.
It's a good read, and the inescapable conclusion is that had she not died, Princess Diana would eventually have moved to Asia and become a tai-tai (non-working woman, lady who lunches, etc).
Imagine the scene.
DI-DI THE TAI-TAI. A one-act play.
Diana: What's this white stuff?
Asian husband: Rice.
Diana: Oh. Does it have any calories?
Asian husband: I hope so.
Diana: Well I can't eat it, then. Do you have any organic lettuce?
Asian husband: No.
Diana: Isn't there any British food available in this part of the world?
Asian husband: Like what?
Diana: Chicken curry.
Asian husband: Yes, we have that.
Diana: Thank God. I guess that's one of the benefits of colonialism. We can share our British culinary treasures with you people. Is the chicken organic?
Asian husband: Well, it has organs, yes.
Diana: I don't think that's what organic means.
Asian husband: Well, it is made of organic material as opposed to inorganic material, if that's what you want.
Diana: Well, I suppose that's all right then. Hey, where are you going?
Asian husband: Out. To get you some chicken curry.
Diana: You can't go outside! This is Asia. You'll be killed by landmines. They cover the whole of Asia!
Asian husband: The whole of Asia isn't covered with landmines.
Diana: It isn't? Then what have I been campaigning about for all these years?
Now every time I write something negative about Princess Diana, I get angry letters accusing me of being disrespectful to a Modern Saint.
To which I respond that she can only be classified as a saint if she has performed certified miracles, and I'm not sure that sleeping with her guards without getting caught by the media counts. The Pope is not big on that kind of thing.
Mind you, I'm very sad that she died. If Diana had lived, and pursued her interest in Asian men, she would have transformed our reputation.
We'd be wearing badges saying: "Runtish, wimpy, puny, taciturn and proud of it."