MY FORMER NEIGHBOR Edward Snowden (his hiding place in Kowloon was near my office) recently released his latest bombshell:
US spies read 200 million text messages a day.
So does my daughter.
She probably reads and writes twice that number.
Here’s an example of ten text messages (out of a 35-part set) she sent me in a very short space of time recently.
1) I just saw this puppy its so cute
2) can I have it?
6) PLEASE PLEASE
7) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
10) DAD PLEEEEEEEAASSEE!!!!
You can see it’s cogently argued albeit a tad hysterical. But she’s an adorable kid. You expect that kind of thing.
(my gorgeous daughter)
What you don’t expect is a responsible, mature adult making an announcement about going to the toilet.
But one of India’s top politicians did exactly that: “Severe loose motions,” Arvind Kejriwal told the world via Twitter the other day.
Wait. Perhaps I shouldn’t describe a politician as a “responsible, mature adult”.
Whatever. Anyway, when a reader first told me that Mr Kejriwal was apparently posting from the smallest room, I assumed the Twitter post was a clever pun about passing political motions in parliament.
But, no, the news report revealed he had digestive problems and felt the world needed to know.
It amazes me what people feel the need to tell the world these days.
I know one pulp fiction writer, a mature, white-haired Western male, who spends money with young Asian women in Thai bars.
Instead of doing this furtively, as any self-respecting man would, he sticks photos of his encounters on Facebook.
I had friends reading over my shoulder when a picture of him with a woman young enough to be his spermatozoan popped up on my Facebook news feed.
I told people it was a charming picture of an elderly friend with his grandchild, but I suspect I fooled no-one.
A more believable story of attempted romance appeared on a Chinese website last week.
A PhD candidate in Wuhan, China, reported that she had been on dates with 19 men, and not a single one phoned afterwards for a follow up, sina.news reported.
She has no idea why. And neither does her mama, who attended every single date with her.
But my favorite recent news item was this one: thousands of people flocked to the Brajeshwari Devi temple in Himachal Pradesh, north India, to worship an idol made of 1,400 kilograms of butter, the Indo-Asian News Service reported.
You see, the butter idol story appeared on the same day as numerous pictures of wobbly oversized US politician Chris Christie, who also appears to consist of 1,400 kilograms of butter.
However, they are likely to have different fates. The Indian one will be eaten by the poor, while in the US they are fussy about things like cannabalism.
Meanwhile, politicians around the world are calling for US spies to stop reading other people's text messages.
Surely it would make more sense to send these speeches as a series of texts?
1) Stop reading messages!