3 things foreigners should not try to say in Chinese

Travel is a joy, but watch out for language traps

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT warning. NEVER speak while travelling. You may die of a misunderstanding.

I guarantee that if you say “Good morning” with the wrong tone, it will actually mean “Kill me now” in at least one Chinese dialect.

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Consider this. I used to speak basic Cantonese but gave it up one night after I walked into a Hong Kong restaurant and announced that I was hungry: “Ngoh tou ngoh.”

My friends fell about laughing because I’d used the wrong tones, changing the meaning to: “I have diarrhea.”

Later, I called out: “Maai dan” (“Bring the bill”), but again used the wrong tones, turning it into: “I want to buy an egg.”

My highly amused companions, who were at the cigar stage of the meal, sternly warned me not to call for a cigarette lighter (“da fo gei”) because that phrase with the wrong tones means “Let’s beat up the waiter.” 

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I’m quite sure people who create Asian languages insert these traps on purpose.

If your foreign host mentions that he or she has a “baba”, DO NOT offer to babysit, however much you like cuddling babies.

In Japan, a baba is an old lady.

In Chinese, baba means “father”.

In France, a baba is a round spongy object containing rum—a bit like my father. He spent a lot of time in France, so that may be the actual derivation.

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My visits to Tokyo are always tricky, since my Japanese friends speak a sort of half-English, using just the first bits of English phrases.

Sexual harassment is “seku hara”, and personal computer is “paso kon”.

Knowing my luck, “Good morning” is short for “Good morning, kill me now.”

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British people assume that their country’s nickname, “old Blighty”, comes from the word “blighted” (destroyed) and refers to the bad weather.

Blighty is actually the Hindi “bilayati” which means “Foreigner Land”.

Years ago, there must have been a conversation like this.

Indian: “So, foreigner, you come from Foreigner Land [Biliyati]?”

Brit: “Ah, so that’s how you say ‘Britain’ in your quaint Asian tongue; let me just write that down.”

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This reminds me of a story I have told before: A French reader told me about a Parisian chef who in 1765 started selling a tasty liquid he called a restorer, which is “restaurant” in French.

The English thought “restaurant” meant “place to eat out”.

Germans were dipping sops (Deutsch for “chunks of bread”) into the delicious warm bowls of restaurant.

The confused English told the world that the new dish was called “soup”.

So the English sentence: “Sitting in a restaurant, I drank some soup” actually means “Sitting in some soup, I drank some bread.” 

I was disinclined to accept this slur on English speakers but I checked Wikipedia and found the Frenchman was right in every detail.

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But going back to meals in Hong Kong, one of my colleagues tried to tempt me to eat a popular local dish he translated as “Chicken With White Fungus”.

I was tempted to reply that there was already chicken with white fungus in the shared fridge at my office, along with chicken with green fungus and pork fillets with mystery grey fur.

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But I just kept my mouth shut. I’ll drop him an email from Foreigner Land.

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IN OTHER NEWS

YOUR HUMBLE NARRATOR is at the Ubud Writers and Readers Festival in Bali. It is glorious here (the pic at the top shows Mrs Jam and Small Portion at the hotel -- it's so beautiful you can hardly believe it's a hotel -- it looks more like a Balinese village).

On the downside, I have been travelling so much lately that I have not been able to access the internet much, so have been a bit out of touch, big apologies that these pages have been quiet lately.

At Asian hotels (even fancy ones) the Internet can be so slow as to be useless. I think each byte and pixel are carried from the switchboard room to the guestroom individually by peons.

So, sorry, Grandpa, I was not able to watch the funny aviation video you posted; same for anyone else who sent in music or videos lately.

And for the same reason, this post has only one photo -- it takes ages to upload a pic from here.

But I did get an absolutely wonderful book (a few chapters anyway) of the latest book that Grandpa is working on. This is going to be a real treat for everyone, so I can't wait for it to be finished.

I get back to Hong Kong on Wednesday, so things should return to normal after that.

Have a great Monday.

Comments

[grandpa]

Uncle
So nice of you to have found the time..to read the beginning of my new book.
Oh my....!!!

The stories you tell about foreign language dos no apply to china only.
Let me remember a few and post them here.

[Uli]

When I studied in Beijing I once rode on a bus and wanted to ask when I have to get out to visit - somewhere. So I started my sentence with the polite question: "Wo xiang wen ni, ..." (May I ask you...), pronouncing "wen" (if spoken in an "I order you to"-tone meaning "to ask", but using the asking tone like in German language meaning "to kiss") and not only the old gentleman I was trying to ask burst out but the whole busload of Chinese people. The old gentleman, however, once recovered explained what I had done wrongly and everyone laughed again.
Unnecessary to say I never again pronounced wen in the asking tone again!

[Mr Jam]

Nice one, Uli. There's a classic report in Three Men in Boat (or one of that book series) in which the narrator goes into a shop in Germany and announces that he wants to buy a cushion. But he accidentally uses the word for "kiss", which is apparently similar, causing great embarrassment to the shop assistant and triggering the summoning of the manager.
Interesting that the word "kiss" is a dangerous pit on both sides of the world!

[Uli]

Thank you, Nury, for remembering that book beautifully written book to me!
And yes, the word "Kissen" is German for cushion and "Kuss" means "kiss".
How about a column on kisses worldwide next?

[TS]

English speakers visiting Denmark can be found in lift lobbies with a perplexed look on their faces. The light indicating that the lift is in use, is marked "I Fart".

[Marble]

Here's a classic one among Cantonese. A man walked into a noodle shop and asked the waitress in Putonghua, "Shuijiao yiwan duoshao qian?", which literally means "water dumpling one bowl how much money?", i.e. "How much ia a bowl of soup dumplings?" But if pronounced in the wrong tone, "shuijiao" referring to "soup dumplings" will mean "sleep", and "wan" referring to "bowl" will mean "night". The man of course ended up in big trouble.

[Uli]

I am missing Liftie's comment on TS's Denmark-episode.... @TS: a great one!
And @Marble: I experienced that one live with a friend of mine who - luckily was female and asking another woman. But it was pretty funny all the same!

[Ram]

Once I had a colleague with family name "Gao" and I saw other Chinese friends address her as "Xiao Gao" (Little gao in Mandarin tone). When I addressed her in the same way, she seem to be not very happy and asked me not to call her like that. Later, another colleague explained that the way I pronounce the word "Xiao Gao" means "Crazy Dog" in Taiwanese tone.

[Mohammed Umar]

The word "Bilayiti or Vilayiti" means foreigner in Hindi and "Bilayat or Vilayat" means foreign land so if someone in India calls you a "Bilayiti or Vilayiti" he is calling you a foreigner, and if they say "Bilayat or Vilayat" they are refering to a foreign land.

[Lift Lurker]

On the other hand there is foreign words that Chinese should not say.

I have a Chinese friend who work in the help desk. Except he cannot say the word 'help' properly.

Friend: (answering phone) "This is the hell desk. How can I hell you?"

[fardel]

Uncle

What is this @&§%$ site?
I am traveltinh and I cannot comment with somebodye else's computer?
aaaarghh!

[grandpa]

As everybody who knows me , I am afraid of nothing ( or close)

Therefore , it easy for me to teach Aviation in the English language ( which I barley mastered) to students of different origins ( one Scottish , one Dutch, one Texan, one British and one Guyanese).
I was explaining emergency landing in the middle of nowhere i said landing in the dessert when I meant lading in the desert).
The Scottish said " I do not understand'
The Texan said " I did"
The Dutch and and the Guyanese were" rolling on the floor, and the British was waiting for me to go on with my explaination.