Wait, there’s more: Mahatma Gandhi is still dead, too, and nothing has been heard from Buddha for TWO MILLENNIA.
My news report is inspired by one which said astronaut Neil Armstrong had died. Thousands of people recently shared this report over the Internet, despite the fact that Mr Armstrong had already died a year earlier.
One death should be enough for anyone, right? On the other hand, when I die, it would be quite nice if people share the news year after year until a news report eventually appears saying: “Irritating Columnist Continues To Irritate From The Grave: Mass Demo Set For Major World Cities.”
But of course the real message is that you can’t trust the news on the Internet, which I know will surprise everyone.
Yet it IS scary to think that the web is where many people get their news these days. As an experiment, I compared the top news items in physical newspapers with the top news items on the internet on one particular day.
At the international newspaper stand at the railway station the front page stories were:
a) political upheavals,
b) civil wars and of course
c) the United States’ Mass Shooting of the Week, a weird tradition they have there, guaranteed by their most important law, the Second Ablution to the Fourth Adjustment of the Fifth Abatement or some such thing.
Then I went back to the office, and looked up top items for Google News Trends for random places.
US: Rejoicing as new violent computer game launched.
India: Rejoicing as brown woman wins Miss America contest.
Japan: Rejoicing as new ultra-cute computer game about cookies launched.
When World War III is launched, no one’s going to actually notice, as they will be reading about computer games and beauty queens.
Not sure if this is good or bad.
We’ll soon find out, since the next war may have started.
China’s military says it has developed the capability to drop TV shows from fighter bombers.
No, I don’t mean they will throw actual TV presenters out of planes, although everyone on the planet would wildly applaud that one, including Mother Teresa watching from her cloud.
Instead, warplanes will take over all TVs and computers beneath their flight path and beam their own programmes into them in a “psychological warfare” technique to “give the enemy nervous breakdowns”, the Global Times said.
Having tried to watch Mainland China TV myself once, I can confirm that a 90-second dose causes severe mental pain and after three minutes I felt so suicidal that I actually ate the Beijing hotel café’s “Daily Special”.
Yet how hard was it for military scientists to develop this system?
It happens by itself.
At a UK funeral recently, the deceased’s nephew went to the pulpit to deliver a eulogy but the words from the sound system were: “Fasten your seatbelts.”
It probably came from a plane overhead, said the Daily Mail.
Or perhaps Neil Armstrong’s ghost, popping down to see why he’s back in the news.
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