MANY PEOPLE noticed that the international media was shockingly selective in its news coverage this month. This columnist knows the mindset of foreign correspondents intimately, so here’s an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW on the subject that just took place in a dark corner of my imagination.
Q: Hundreds of people were killed recently in tragic bombings and earthquakes, particularly in Asia. Why did the global media focus on the tiniest of these events, just three dead in Boston?
A: Because Boston is in the United States, which covers most of the world’s surface. Asia is a tiny place on the dark side of the earth, far away from where most people live.
Q: No, actually, I think you’ll find the majority of the world’s population lives in Asia.
A: Get real! We’ve seen pictures on holiday booking websites. Asia is mostly empty beaches.
Q: Last week you printed an article about space voyages to Mars. That’s further away than Asia.
A: Total bull. Mars is in America. It’s a reddish dot in the US night sky.
Q: Anyway, doesn’t the international media claim to deliver world news, not just Western news?
A: We do! But you people die in war zones every day. The difference is that Boston was a peaceful town hit by sudden tragedy.
Q: The hundreds who died in China and Pakistan the same week were in peaceful towns hit by sudden tragedy.
A: Look, it’s a technical, journalistic thing. Boston had more “news value” than the other stories.
Q: You mean the secret rule that one white person is equivalent to 30 non-whites?
A: That is SO not true! It’s at least 50 non-whites. Anyway, I’m going to have to end this and get back to work. There’s a MEGA international news story breaking.
Q: Right, the earthquake that just hit Southeast Asian waters.
A: No, I said MEGA. A group of celebrities have just hit a California beach in bikinis to show they have regained their pre-baby bods.
Q: Wow! I’ll clear the front page. Cancel the earthquake!
IN OTHER NEWS
Why do these people always say that? If they know she’s a Hollywood brat, doesn’t that make it MORE likely she’s a crazy drunk they should lock up?
EVER FELT sorry for the victims in James Bond movies, who were often eaten by piranhas? Now you can take revenge on their behalf. Nara Kenko Land, a restaurant in Nara, Japan, is encouraging diners to chow down on piranhas, sharp-toothed fish which can strip a human to a skeleton in seconds.
I would love to invite short-tempered TV chef Gordon Ramsay to this eatery. “Where the #$%^ are the fish ordered by table nine? Don’t bother, I’ll get them myself.” (Reaches into live fish tank). “ARRGGHH!”
THOUGHT FOR the day: I want my children to be strong-minded, independent-thinking people. Just not while they’re living with me.