MEN ARE WAY more vain than women. The sad true story of Mr Floppytum last week confirms it.
This middle-aged businessman was sitting in the window seat of an aircraft when an extremely pretty woman sat down next to him.
Mr Floppytum (not his real name) was thrilled—then horrified, because he felt his midriff had become huge, flabby and ocean-like. He decided to suck it in and sit up straight. (Isn’t this how all over-40s see their midriffs?)
When the flight attendant offered drinks, executive Floppytum declined. If he had to stand to go to the toilet, his planet-sized belly would flop out in front of the woman, crushing her, and causing him extreme mortification.
So he sat in one position, his belly sucked in, refusing all liquids, as the plane crossed China, travelling from Fuzhou on the east coast, to Harbin in the far north.
Five hours later, the plane landed. The immense jelly at his personal equator had remained hidden throughout. Triumph!
The woman stood up and got off—and Mr Floppytum tried to follow. He couldn’t. He couldn’t move. He was stuck.
Doctors eventually rescued him, the China Economic News reported, but warned that he could have died. He had been struck by deep-vein thrombosis, a rare ailment that only hits people who sit absolutely still for hours in a dehydrated state. The guy wasn’t even particularly fat. Just male.
The story was forwarded to me by a reader named Nandini, who told me she had once asked her good-looking husband if he thought he was vain. “Certainly not,” he replied. “Even though I have a right to be.”
IN OTHER NEWS….
Here’s the YouTube clip of it. It’s in Vietnamese but you can see the action.
They rounded up 50 stray dogs and then sent them on a train back over the border to India, according to The Spokesman, a newspaper in Pakistan.
India did not retaliate. An Indian official told a Firstpost.com reporter: “We have no desire to enter a competition on who wins more brownie points over the most stupid things.”
Well, that’s a change of policy.
SCIENTISTS FOUND meat pies in Iceland which contained no horsemeat. That’s because they contained no meat at all. I read that item in the paper while eating what purported to be a chicken pie. A close examination revealed that it contained thick white goo, mushrooms, bits of ham, and tiny shreds of white stuff that I assumed was chicken but was probably bits of the butcher’s white coat. When did we go from a situation where our food feeds us to the current situation, where it tries to kill us?
GOT BACK to my office last night from a great weekend at the Shanghai literary festival – this is a brilliant event, PUT IT ON your calendar for 2014, not to be missed! Next year I want to take a group of people up there…
THOUGHT FOR the day: Never underestimate the power of large groups of extremely stupid people.