DO YOU HAVE dark secrets? Ever worry about dropping dead and having this grim, final thought: “Oh no! I haven’t cancelled my secret subscription to Totally Justin magazine, or hidden those fantasies I wrote about me and Judi Dench in the vegetable pantry. My memory will be tarnished forever!”
Yes, it’s an awful way to spend your precious final moments.
To the rescue comes Keepers, a firm in Japan. You write a Death Note (a sort of “quick start” last will and testament favored in that country) which instructs your family to immediately notify Keepers upon your death. A team will shoot round and tidy everything up, discreetly disposing of anything unsavory.
Keepers’ boss Taichi Yoshida told News Post Seven that he frequently finds women’s clothing in men’s apartments, and once found 1,000 indecent videos in the apartment of a demure kindergarten teacher.
Other than my most religious friends, who tend to make “treat every day as if it may be your last” a sort of guiding life principle, I suspect pretty much everyone has secrets and could make use of this service.
IN OTHER NEWS…
IN A BID to cash in on the weasel poop coffee boom, a firm in Thailand has launched elephant poop coffee, AP reported last week. This follows the launch of panda poop tea by a firm in China last year.
The inescapable conclusion: Add the word “poop” to consumable items and Earthlings pay more.
I REALLY need to get back to my home planet.
You can see what’s going to happen. All regular coffee drinks will eventually vanish and the only choice left will be “crappuccino”.
The news was in a Daily Telegraph report forwarded by reader Doris Yang, who said: “I think it would be more interesting if the guy just left it on his arm.” I agree.
1) He is all set for the norovirus spreading around the world, since doctors are telling people to “sneeze into your elbow”.
2) Easier for him to trim nostril hairs.
3) Less temptation to pick his nose, especially if he wears long sleeves.
4) Can entertain children by pretending to be Voldemort.
5) Doesn’t have to put his face over hot cooking pots: he can just hold his arm out to smell the food.
I WAS SHOCKED when Zimbabwe’s Finance Minister revealed to the media last week that his country had US$217 left in the bank. Could it really be so much? How could their plundering despot leader have missed a bit?
(Proof that they actually use money for toilet paper in Zimbabwe.)
(This is for everyone who remembers the time before the Internet)