This really happened, last week
BUNGLING GUARDS looking for an escaped mental patient jumped on the wrong man, pumped him full of drugs and locked him up in a mad house, or, to use the medical term, “loony bin”.
After the incident in Western Australia was revealed last week, a top health official described it as a “mistake”.
I would have loved to have overheard the conversation between the guards and the victim.
“I’m not an escaped mental patient.”
“Yeah, right.”
“No, really, you have the wrong man.”
“Yeah, right.”
Etc.
It can only have been one of those conversations where whatever you say gets you in deeper trouble, like when the prosecution lawyer asks you: “Give me a straight answer: have you stopped robbing old ladies, yes or no?”
“Er…”
“YES OR NO?”
Anyway, the mental hospital staff gave the victim a cocktail of drugs which was so strong they then had to send him to a medical hospital to be resurrected. (Doctors can do that now, which is why they buried Osama Bed Linen at sea.)
In the meantime, the REAL mental patient returned to the home, called Graylands, by himself.
I would have loved to have overheard THAT conversation too.
“Can you let me in? I’m the escaped loony.”
“Yeah, right.”
“No, really, I am.”
“Yeah, right.”
Somewhere in the heart of this story, when staff realized what they’d done, there must have been one of the greatest facepalm moments in history.
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A SCHOOL in China asked parents to pay extra if they wanted teachers to hug their children. The cost was 80 yuan (US$12.80) per month per child for two daily hugs, at the beginning and end of each day.
Moms complained. Dads, I suspect, would be squeezing into school uniform and turning up at the playground, cash in hand. “Me, miss! Me, miss!”
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US FOOTBALL player Brandon Spikes tweeted a Christmas message to his followers last week:
“We’re leaving a big fat rail of coke and shot of Jack for Santa this year. Cookies and milk slow him down.”
When parents complained that sports stars who are children’s role models shouldn’t push alcohol and illegal drugs, Brandon abused them.
“Make sure ur kids don't read my tweets. Just bad parenting if u ask me.”
When his fans suggested he be less nasty to people, Brandon replied by telling them to “enjoy your blow-up doll dates”.
I think judges for the Mr Nice Guy Award need to look elsewhere.
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A WOMAN WAS arrested in Europe with three pounds of cocaine hidden in her breast implants last week. The big question: did any newspaper in the world resist the temptation to use the headline “Drugs Bust”?
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RECEIVED A funny-sad message from a girl called Mahboobeh. Her name causes hilarity among English-speakers, especially when attached to a name badge pinned at breast height.
“Every day at least one person pronounces it as ‘My Boobie’,” she said. “Then they joke: ‘What’s the other one called?’”
Mahboobeh says she always smiles as if she has never heard that line before.
Pretending To Laugh is one of the most important social skills today. Why don’t they teach it at schools?
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