WARNING: IF YOU NEED to visit Japan in the near future, GO TO THE TOILET first. The fiendishly clever inhabitants have now invented an Intelligent Potty.
I don’t know about you, but I greatly prefer answering the call of nature in NON-intelligent items. A receptacle of utter brainlessness, dumb as a typical YouTube comment-writer, would be ideal. There are times in life when witty commentary is not required.
How does it work? The boffins at Japanese toilet firm Inax have put a circuit into their new product, the Satis toilet, which contacts the smart-phone in your pocket.
This enables the toilet to learn your personal habits, and an icon on your phone called MySatis provides you with an on-screen diary on which you jot down details of your bowel movements during your visit. This is very useful for:
a) forwarding to doctors, and
b) posting on Facebook to go with the photos of meals you have eaten.
The Satis toilet, to be launched in February, also finds sound-files on your phone and plays them through hidden speakers, so you can poop along with Taylor Swift or whoever.
News website Rocketnews24 pointed out that this is the nearest thing in real life to the Japanese toilet that Homer Simpson encounters in the cartoon series. That one projects a rainbow and the toilet’s little voice says: “Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.”
For me, the only thing good about the Satis toilet is the potential mischief that deeply evil people can get up to.
For example, you could stand outside the door with a smart-phone and beam sound-files which would come from the toilet while someone is on it. Perhaps an anguished voice with a Japanese accent saying: “Why are you pooping on me, toilet-user-san? What have I done to you?”
TWO PEOPLE arrested separately for drunk driving in the US state of Rhode Island on December 14 turned out to be husband and wife, according to an AP crime report forwarded to me by a reader. Now that’s rather romantic, don’t you think? Okay, maybe not.
LAST WEEK I was asked whether I believed in animal testing. I said: no way, they can’t hold the pens properly and they crap on the floor of the exam hall.
DID YOU read that Kim Jong-Un may soon have a baby? This is astonishing because the North Korean leader looks like an oversized baby himself, with his huge cheeks, chubby limbs, regular tantrums, total self-centeredness and aptitude to thoughtlessly cause widespread carnage. Headline writers will no doubt call the fetus Kim Jong Bun, as in Bun-in-the-oven.
A journalist friend reckons Kim’s new wife might not be pregnant, but just getting fat, as she’s now eating the same food he does. KIM: “Mm, this whole leg of racehorse is delicious. I insist you have one for yourself.”
POLICE HAVE recovered about US$15 million worth of stolen maple syrup in Quebec, it was reported recently. By my calculations, that’s about two and half jars, right?
WISE THOUGHT I had yesterday:
Passing your days in dissolute, self-indulgent behavior causes two things.
ATISHI, one of the younger readers who came to my book launch, sent me this pic this morning. It enables me to end this column on a Christmassy note – have a great Christmas, from everyone who is part of Mr Jam’s gang. I know the regulars, including Grandpa Fardel, Liftie, Jason, Ram, Rafanjr, Karuna, TS and others share the sentiment.
Let’s talk again on Thursday or Friday this week (that would be Dec 27 or 28).
Merry Christmas, ho ho ho!