PICTURE THE SCENE. A banker, reluctant to give out a large cash loan to a desperate man, asks: “But do you have any valuable assets to offer as collateral?”
The applicant points to his upper lip, saying: “Yes. My moustache.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” laughs the banker.
But no, that’s not what happens. This is Planet Earth, Weirdest Place in the Galaxy. So what ACTUALLY happened was that the banker said: “That’ll do nicely,” and handed over the money.
In the Arab Emirates, male facial hair has been used as collateral for loans, City University of New York’s Christa Salamandra told CNN.
A feared punishments for wrongdoing in that region is moustachectomy, which is the forced shaving of the upper lip, a traumatic experience which victims liken to castration, although I don’t suppose many of them have actually been castrated, not more than once, anyway.
Facial hair is in. Thousands of people in Asia joined the Australian tradition of turning November into Movember, or “grow-a-moustache” month—and almost ALL were men. Shame on you girls for not joining in.
Okay, I’m joking. I know women find it hard to grow moustaches. It’s only a matter of time before someone takes out a class action in which All Female Earthlings sue the organizers for a trillion bucks.
Further, shaven-headed guys (like the present writer) cannot grow moustaches as it makes us look like gay guys from the 1970s, not a good look.
Also, many people in China cannot grow moustaches, because Chinese people are more highly evolved than regular humans, or so a friend from Shanghai tells me. I was about to tell him he was talking rubbish, but held back, in case he wasn’t. I know for a fact that Chinese WOMEN have weird superhuman powers, remind me to tell you why one day.
The Shanghai gentleman said it takes him a year to grow a moustache, and even then it is so sparse that it looks like a long, thin, flat spider perched on his lip.
Poor him. Moustaches boost male confidence, psychologists say. In parts of India, police officers have even been given government grants for moustache cultivation. (Not sure what they spend the cash on, perhaps that Gro-Fast fertilizer you get in gardening shops?)
The following day I saw a report on the BBC that Turkish doctors are offering moustache implants for men (or presumably, eccentric women) who feel their upper lips are too naked.
Simply book yourself into an Istanbul hospital and come out with a thick, luxurious Lech Walesa-style growth which curtains your whole mouth, filtering out bugs, acid rain, particulate matter, etc.
Amazing true facts about moustaches.
1) Groucho Marx’s was fake. He only wore it in front of the camera.
2) So was Charlie Chaplin’s.
3) The popularity of toothbrush ‘taches dropped dramatically after the rise of Hitler, I wonder why.
Amazing untrue facts about moustaches:
1) Moustache hairs absorb nutrition from food particles left on them.
2) This causes them to thicken and develop tiny biceps.
3) If a man is in danger, his moustache hairs will spring up and outward like porcupine quills.
4) All men with moustaches are serial killers, or at least have thought about it.
Same for men without moustaches.