EMAILS ARE NEVER really private, recent events have shown.
This is good news for reporters, as shown by the following TOP SECRET email Q and A which we intercepted in a dark corner of our imagination.
Q: Dear General Petraeus, Greetings from Asia. We hear you have some unexpected free time. Could you teach us about making our communications more discreet? Last week, we mistakenly revealed the email addresses of all our contacts in a mass email. Love, the Taliban.
A: Dear Taliban, you need to click the button that says BCC.
Q: Dear General Petraeus, Isn’t the BCC a British television station?
A: Dear Taliban, You may be right, I’ll have to check. But my wife won’t let me touch computers just now. (I’m writing this on a smart-phone in the toilet.)
Q: Dear General Petraeus, Your wife’s right: computers are bad. Our bungle revealed that we have only 400 contacts, less than the number of Facebook friends our office cat has. And some of our supporters have names like fakename01, fakename02, etc.
A: Dear Taliban, why not pretend it’s some sort of weird Asian name pronounced Fa-ke-na-me?
Q: Dear General Petraeus, How do you swap messages discreetly with your lovers?
A: Dear Taliban, I don’t call them “lovers”. I prefer “Liaison Staff (Hot)”. We wrote notes in the drafts folder of a joint gmail account. Since no emails were sent, none could be intercepted.
Q: Dear General Petraeus, That’s brilliant: did your intelligence masterminds come up with that?
A: Dear Taliban, no, my children.
Q: Dear General Petraeus, How come you got caught? Did some power-mad bureaucrat give investigators the power to violate the privacy of your personal communications?
A: Dear Taliban, er, yes, that was me, actually. Embarrassing.
Q: Dear General Petraeus, why did you have an affair with your biographer anyway? She’s not that hot.
A: Dear Taliban, Between you and me, book sales stank. Paula and I knew we had to do something to pave the way for a more attention-grabbing Book Two. I think we succeeded. Muhahahahaha.
IN OTHER NEWS…
READER ANDREW Bond of Thailand told me that his countrymen sometimes legally change their names to improve their luck: “This morning my five-year-old daughter informed me she wants to change her name from Annabelle to Tinkerbell. I said, OK, but what about ‘Jinglebell’? She's gone away to think about it.”
Male residents heard that if a herd of cattle stampedes over them, the town would prosper. So guys recently lay on the road to be trampled by the herd. Luckily no one was killed.
This is clear evidence that cows are smarter than humans. Next: cows spread rumors that the town will prosper only if the cow field gets a swimming pool and lounge chairs.