1) A WOMAN FAKED a kidnapping last week so that she could get a day off work. People have no integrity these days!
She should just phone in sick like the rest of us.
Sheila Bailey Eubank, 48, spent the day away from her office in California, US, and then tied herself up in her car and told police she had been kidnapped. But videos from shops she’d entered revealed she was lying.
This columnist has noted many cases like this. I blame TV.
In Japan, a 29-year-old man overslept, missing an 8 a.m. meeting. But you know how dedicated to work salarymen are. Burning with humiliation, he kidnapped himself, drove himself out of town, beat himself up and dumped himself in the middle of nowhere.
Then he called his colleagues. “So sorry to miss the meeting, I got kidnapped, you know how it is.” Yeah, right.
Sometimes people do it for money. There was one case in my files in which a schoolboy kidnapped himself, demanded a ransom, and then went to collect the cash himself.
I sent the reporter who covered the case a note to pass on to the kid: “Hey, guy, there are some jobs you REALLY should delegate.”
If you are planning to kidnap yourself, hire professionals. Gimme a call.
2) THE LATEST news reports are saying former top cyclist Lance Armstrong ran “the biggest and most sophisticated doping program in sports history”.
I can almost hear the outraged reaction in Beijing. “Hey, what about us?”
Armstong told the press he “didn’t have the energy” to fight back. Hey, Lance, if there’s one person on this planet who cannot use the excuse that he’s short of energy boosters, IT’S YOU.
3) ONE IN seven humans worldwide has a mobile phone, researchers said last week. In Hong Kong, the mobile phone population has overtaken the human population. The devices must be phoning each other to keep sane.
4) THE MYSTERY of the red-bearded prisoner has been solved. People were puzzling as to how Khalid Sheikh Mohammed appeared in court with a bright ginger-auburn beard, since Guantanamo Bay prison is not exactly known for its hair salon culture. Jailers revealed he “used crushed berries from his breakfast” to make hair dye.
Crushed berries from his breakfast? I always stop my kids buying that cereal with dried strawberry chunks because it’s so expensive. To improve my living standards, I need to move to Guantanamo Bay prison. No doubt it can be arranged.
5) A JUDGE IN Italy last week sentenced seismologists to six years in jail for telling people not to worry just before a major earthquake.
If I was them, I’d tell the appeals judge: “By the way, there’s no need to run away screaming as we confidently predict there will be no major earthquake right here sixty seconds from now, heh-heh-heh. Fifty-nine. Fifty-eight. Fifty-seven…”
Watch the judge sign the papers and run.
6) WOULD AN economist kindly answer this question from Stephen Wright: “If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?”
Is it in the coffers of the unusually wealthy family of Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao?
7) POLLUTION IN Asia is getting really bad. A new survey shows there are almost as many chemicals in Asian waterways as in Lance Armstrong.
I’M PACKING my bags to head off to Bangkok for the Asia Pacific Writers Association annual meeting. Drop me a note if you are in the area! Actually, you can drop me a note even if you aren’t.
Meanwhile, to go back to where we started, have you ever been tempted to have yourself kidnapped to miss a meeting? Did you ever have to go to really awful meetings? What’s the worst?