We’re on the road downhill
HUMAN INTELLIGENCE PEAKED a couple of thousand years ago and people are getting steadily stupider, a scientist said last week.
Professor Gerald Crabtree’s words in the UK’s Independent newspaper on Monday last week rang true with me. Mine has definitely peaked.
As for society as a whole, probably the same thing is happening. Proof? I’d just finished reading a case sent in by a reader for this column’s dumb criminals file.
On November 9, a car thief stole a delivery vehicle from a Chinese restaurant. The carjacker then proceeded to deliver all the meals to the right addresses.
Police in Connecticut found it easy to catch him.
They simply waited at the next address and he conveniently delivered himself into their hands, accompanied by a range of tasty snacks, prawn crackers, etc.
For cops, it was the best case ever.
Also last week, a famous UK store called Debenhams revealed that customers couldn’t understand modern coffee terms.
So they changed “venti cappuccino” to Big Frothy Coffee, and “café latte” to Very Very Milky Coffee and so on.
Presumably staff will tell buyers: “After buying, insert into mouth.”
On an aircraft, a friend of mine was given a packet of peanuts which carried the words:
“Eat after opening.”
Passengers must have been trying to swallow the packet whole!
And then there are the comments under YouTube videos, which offer convincing proof that humans are turning into primitive, brain-free forms of life, like primeval sludge, moss, nationalist politicians, etc. Typical YouTube comment on my videos: “Your stuped.”
When I mentioned this in the bar, someone told me about a sc-fi movie called Idiocracy which predicts that the human race will descend into total brainlessness in 500 years.
We’re ahead of schedule.
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A THOUGHT: What does Lady Gaga wear on Halloween? Normal t-shirt and jeans?
(Lady Gaga in normal clothes)
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DOG OWNERS in Taiwan have developed chastity belts for bitches. I use that word in the scientific sense of “female dog”, not in the “esteemed lady companions” sense used by gangsta rappers and boys trying but failing to sound cool.
Designer Zhang Daxing said the pants prevented fornication while allowing dogs to “answer the call of nature”. (“Hello? Is that the dog? This is nature.”)
In a Daily Mail article, dog lover Chi Sun commented: “It’s a brilliant idea. My girl is very sensitive and I find it very offensive when these rough strays start sniffing around her.”
I feel exactly the same about my human daughters. But I don’t think they’ll wear the things.
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BIG THANK you to ex-CIA leader David Patraeus for entertaining us all with his complex relationship web. Ironically, the woman who wrote his biography has become the new climax of his Biography Part Two. And ptly, the woman who was “social liaison organizer” for people in uniform REALLY lived up to her job title. “Darling, are you free for a social liaison the bike sheds tonight?”
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TWO OF THE world’s biggest publishing houses are merging. I reckon Random Penguin will release combined versions of their top-selling books:
1) The Lion, the Witch and the Da Vinci Code.
2) 50 Shades of Black Beauty.
3) The Wind in the Women’s Room.
4) Gone with the Mockingbird.
5) The Seven Habits of Harry Potter.
Can you think of any more?
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APOLOGIES for the late posting today. I am on a schools tour this week: getting up early early and telling stories to little ones. I spent seven hours talking in front of people yesterday. I don’t know how teachers do it, really I don’t.
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