Now irritating people are easily traceable
A GUY SNEAKS out of a hotel without paying. He leaves nothing behind except a fake name in the guest book. The perfect crime?
Nope. A guy tried it at a US$50 a night guesthouse in Wales recently and police scientists traced him from a toothbrush he used, a court heard last week.
Although the cutting was sent in for my dumb criminals file (thanks, Miki), I reckon it’s really about smart cops, and it got me thinking. If DNA tests are now so cheap and easy, no one will ever be anonymous again. This is huge news.
It’s worth all of us immediately having ourselves tested in case we are the illegitimate offspring of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Some of us surely are. I’ve long had my suspicions.
Even better: people who commit small, irritating crimes will no longer be able to get away with it.
The schmuck who wets the toilet seat: traceable.
The idiot who presses all the elevator buttons: traceable.
The man who gets up early, reads my newspaper and puts it back, folded badly: traceable.
For all pedantic, judgmental, revenge-oriented people, life’s going to be great.
OUR TIME HAS COME.
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IN OTHER NEWS….
AFTER JOURNALISTS exposed dead UK TV host Jimmy Saville as having been a child molester, his nephew Roger Foster recently complained that “the law says you can’t defend yourself when you’re dead”. What law is he talking about? The laws of physics?
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YES, MOTHERHOOD changes women. Reader Dorcas Cheng Tozun used to be a demure young lady, but after having a baby she now talks about poop colors in public.
She just shared her latest problem on the internet: diapers no longer soak up the huge amount of liquid baby emits during the night.
I had exactly the same problem with my kids, each of whom carried more liquid than an 18-wheeler tanker truck. I reckon babies work like super-powerful dehumidifiers, extracting water vapor from passing clouds and condensing it into thousands of gallons of yellow liquid.
I mention this only because Reuters has just reported that an explosion in a Japanese chemical plant is likely to cause a “global diaper shortage”.
People in rich countries need to learn from women in rural parts of China and India: mothers use extra-sensory perception to detect when their babies are about to discharge fertilizer and then hold them over the vegetable patch.
Enjoy your greens at dinner tonight.
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ONE OF my young male friends was joking about moving to certain parts of Malaysia so he can have several wives.
I forwarded him two facts about bigamy from Bob Hope:
1) It’s the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong.
2) It means one wife too many, as contrasted with monogamy, which is one wife too many.
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TWO WOMEN picking berries in a forest in Nunavik, Canada, last week claimed to have seen a frightening 10 feet tall (3 meter) skinny creature with shaggy hair, according to CBC News last week.
I’m thinking Clint Eastwood. Put some furniture out and see if he yells at it.
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TALKING OF film stars, the top-grossing Hollywood movie last week was Taken 2, about “a divorced man whose ex-wife is snatched by kidnappers”.
So what is it, two hours of Liam Neeson smiling?
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NOW LET’S start thinking of jerks in our lives we’d like to trace. Who would you start with?
