A FARMER IS GETTING MOBILE phone text messages from his cows in the middle of the night, and it’s always the same message: “We’re in the mood for lovin’, big boy.”
This is the sort of thing that gets news columnists a bad name. It sounds unbelievable. But it’s true: it was in the New York Times last week.
Swiss scientists implanted transmitters which automatically send text messages when the cow is “in heat”, the medical term for “horny”. The farmer then runs to get the bull to impregnate them, the medical term for what the rest of us call (pardon my language) “inseminating”, a word that I believe also means “Bible School”.
I was forwarded the report by an angry unmarried male reader who said: “Why are scientists wasting this wonderful new technology on cows?”
Exactly what I was thinking! Surely the SINGLE BIGGEST PROBLEM facing humanity today is men not knowing what mood women are in. Ask any man. Or woman or child, come to that.
The fact is, the cow-mood-reading device, made by a Swiss firm called Anemon, is useless for farmers. The gadget costs US$1,400.
In Asia, an ENTIRE READY-MADE OFF-THE-SHELF cow costs about US$250.
For the cost of one mood-reader, you could have a diary farm in your kitchen.
Yet the device could transform human society, particularly if men installed it in their women secretly, so that we appear to be spontaneously doing/ saying the right thing at the right time.
Installation could be tricky, since the device comes in two parts, one of which goes around the female’s neck while the other is inserted into the part of the body known by the medical term “down there”.
But if we did succeed, life would be so easy. Husbands could go to work and slave away at updating our Facebook pages until a pre-set message popped up on our phones.
“Ding! This is an automatic message telling you that this would be a good time to go home with a box of chocolates or better still a credit extension on the joint Mastercard.”
The romantic husband could then rush home to find his wife entertaining the postman.
IN OTHER NEWS….
NORTH KOREA said last week it has missiles which can reach the United States. Have you ever seen one of their missile launches? They barely get out of North Korea. The only way they could get to the US is if they Fedexed them.
GOING BACK to farmers, did you see that report about an Oregon farmer who went to feed his pigs and they ate every part of him except his dental appliances? I couldn’t believe it. Didn’t the pigs know about the resale value of quality US dental appliances in Asia?
Jay Leno said: “The pigs ate the farmer. But in the overall race, humans are still way ahead.”