A NEW RIOT control weapon is being launched this month. You zap the “sonic cannon” at a bad guy and he immediately goes to the toilet. It penetrates all known underwear brands.
I know it sounds like a joke, but I was sent enough information to decide that it really exists. When I was a kid, I saved up my money to buy a pea shooter, which was really just a straw. I guess you could call this a “pee shooter”, get it?
Puns aside, Polish police have been trained to use the “involuntary urination” cannon to control football hooligans at the current Euro 2012 soccer games.
This is how it is intended to work.
“Mwahaha. Let us overturn this police car!”
“Ha ha ha, now you have a damp patch on the front of your trousers!”
“Oh no, I must immediately cease this antisocial behavior so I can return to my hotel room to change into my characteristic fresh, dry, lavender-scented clothing.”
Anyway, it’s clear that this weapon was dreamed up by a deeply immature male, or to put it another way, a male.
I am SO getting one of these for my birthday.
Just think, any time you are at a speech or lecture or anything which gets boring, you just use your sonic gun to zap the speaker and suddenly it’s “I think I’ll finish there” and he shuffles off stage holding his briefcase in front of him.
How does the sonic gun work? Invisible beams cause “unusual and severe internal vibrations in the abdomen”, according to the internet.
Why am I reminded of the food at Taipei airport? Eating that causes unusual and severe internal vibrations in the abdomen, as I can attest personally. It feels like you’re in an earthquake. If enough diners consume the stuff at once, we’d probably trigger one.
Anyway, readers attending the Euro 2012 soccer tournament in Poland, take a change of underclothing.
ON TUESDAY last week, a court in China found a football manager guilty of operating an office which accepted large numbers of bribes. Clearly this man is well on the way to becoming a top government official.
“Today’s show is brought to you by the latter A, which stands for America, also known as The Great Satan.”
NEW YORK City Mayor Mike Bloomberg is finally cracking down on a dangerous gang of killers: Coca-cola executives. He made it illegal for them and their counterparts to sell their products in large cups. In the US, the biggest drink size is the Double Big Gulp, equivalent in volume to the Caspian Sea. US health will benefit, but on the downside, expect a worldwide rise in ocean levels.
IF THE laws are changed so that women in Saudi Arabia are allowed to drive, there would be “no more virgins within ten years”, a professor named Kamal Subhi told the media last week. This guy needs sex education urgently.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE COMMENTS column under the previous posting:
Manila's Got Talent: Officials only may enter, and they have 24 hours to screw as much money as possible from citizens and tourists (Esther).
Comment from Jason: “Esther, that's not a talent. That's the status quo.”
Amazing factoid from Chris: “When [former partner of new French premier] Segolene was running for the presidential election in 2007, she spent 51659 Euros (over half a million HD dollars) on ….. make-up !!!! And she tried to claim them back from the government as election campaign expenses.”
Shocking thought: On the discussion about the new French leader with his TWO women, Karuna points out that if a certain scandal had not taken place, the new leader would be orgy-fan Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who would make Monsieur Hollande look chaste.
Most touching comment was Grandpa’s note about welcoming his daughter back and finding her to be a grown woman…
Hong Kong's Got Talent: All entrants are property tycoons and the winner is the one who makes the most money. Hold on, that already happens. (Chris.)
Lift Lurker proposed that we have a World’s Got Talent show for finalists from each country, and provided a list of deeply politically incorrect prophecies:
The contestant from China shows how to get into the computer of any multinational, copy design to make shoes and manufacture shoes in 30 minutes.
The contestant from India (a child laborer) cook curry in front of judges while playing flute to charm snake and build computer program to track nuclear ballistic missile
Contestants from England (an ethnic Indian and her hooligan partner) reveals startling new dish to restore England’s culinary place in the world: Chips and Fish! (Not to be confused with Fish and Chips)
Contestant from France attempts to seduce all the judges. And succeeds. And gets sued.
Contestant from Greece demonstrates skill in living beyond his means. Opa!
Contestant from Germany shows how to live within his means. And threatens to withhold financial aid if contest does not reduce the prize money.
Contestant from Iran assembles nuclear reactor in front of judges.
Contestant from Israel does not show up, but nuclear reactor suddenly falls apart.
Contestants from the Philippines do laundry, clean the stage, sing, tutor the judges’ children, while submerged in knee high floods
Contestant from Singapore did not know it was contest. He just saw a line and queued up. Kiasu.
Contestant from Syria demonstrates how to shoot civilians.
Another contestant from Syria shows how to shoot the other Syrian.