Why can’t children and husbands remember stuff?
DID YOU HEAR about the budgie in Yokohama, Japan, who got lost last week and then recited his full address to police? That’s so clever.
The reader who told me about it said: “I wonder how much the budgie owner would charge to train my children? Or my husband, come to that. He forgets everything.”
She also told me about this woman in America who has started a service where you send her your phone number, and she makes temporary tattoos which you can apply to your children (or husband), in case they get lost in shopping malls, etc.
I told her that I liked the system that my local kindergarten uses. When they need the kids to take important letters back to the parents, they pin them to the front of the children’s clothing. They way, documents you need to see never got lost or forgotten.
“I’m definitely going to try that with my husband,” she said.
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A READER told me that set up a joint account on a website for herself and her husband. “What’s the password?” he asked. “Our wedding anniversary,” she said. Muah ha ha ha. EVIL.
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TWO BRIDEGROOMS were abandoned at altars in India last week after they were found to have alcohol in their bloodstreams, the Indo-Asian News Service reported. The brides and their families were “utterly shocked” that a man would drink before his wedding.
Now there’s an east-west divide, if ever I saw one.
If a bridegroom turned up in the West or Australia WITHOUT alcohol in his bloodstream, people would assume there was something wrong with him.
AUSSIE BRIDE’S DAD: “I just smelt his breath. No booze!”
GROOM: “I’m really sorry, I didn’t have time to get properly p—”
AUSSIE BRIDE: “Get away from me, weirdo.”
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A NEW RESTAURANT in the US serves marijuana-infused food so diners get increasingly high with each dish. I would NOT like to be the guy who handles the money in that place.
WAITER: “Here’s your bill.”
CUSTOMER: “Hey! The pink elephant floating over the next table said he’d pay.”
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PRESIDENT OBAMA has come up with a new one-word campaign slogan: “Forward".
I’m sure all the people in Asia still waiting for full democracy will now see their own leaders also choosing one-word slogans: “Backward”.
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A BRITISH INQUIRY has just ruled that Rupert Murdoch is “unfit to run a company”. Of course he’s unfit: the guy is like 200 years old. He should join the Chinese politburo.
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TALKING OF CHINA, I did enjoy the excitement last week when that blind dissident in China managed to evade the world’s biggest and best-equipped army of surveillance experts.
Clearly the public security bureau needs training. I recommend the following exercises:
1) Fight your way out of a paper bag.
2) Organize a drinks party in a brewery.
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THE OCTOMOM, a revolting woman who used medical technology to have eight babies, has agreed to remove her clothing to appear in an “adult movie”, my celebrity magazine tells me.
Surely they mean “horror movie”?
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The world is getting crazier. Have a great weekend.
