CALLING ALL MEN. Panic now. The Big Switcheroo is here, the moment we’ve been dreading. Yes, planet Earth is now officially A Woman’s World. It will never be a man’s world again.
The first inkling I had that something really scary was afoot was when a reader sent me a survey on pay imbalances in the UK earlier this month. It said the average woman in her 20s earns MORE than the average man of the same age.
Then I saw an education article which said university classrooms around the world had become female-dominated. The professions were following, and so will control of society’s finances. Yes, the women will have the money.
Last week, I stepped into a lecture hall to gave a talk and found that the previous incumbent was a middle-aged woman talking to a roomful of young people, all female but one. “Nursing?” I guessed. She replied, with a smile: “No. Engineering.”
Guys, this is an emergency. Media, education and the law are all already dominated by females, so they will be well-placed to reshape society to suit their own ends.
I sat down with some readers of both sexes and we made a list of Ten Ways the World Will Change With Women in Charge.
1) Any art director who allows the publication of an image of an adult woman weighing less than 55 kilos will get the death penalty.
2) All adult males will be sent to camps to learn how to apologize.
3) Laws will be revised so that “it was that time of the month” would be considered adequate justification in defense of even the worst crimes, such as murder, armed robbery and the sending of e-cards.
4) Women who have lots of affairs will be slapped on the back, admired and winked at.
5) Men will be judged solely on how fast their looks are deteriorating, a subject which will be discussed endlessly on chat shows.
“Well, I think the worst result of the financial crisis is that Hu Jintao is getting a bit paunchy.”
“Yeah, they always let themselves go.”
6) Women would come home from work and slump on the sofa watching TV dramas, while their men flutter around, bringing them drinks and snacks. (This already happens at my house.)
7) When a guy says, “We need to talk,” the woman will pretend she didn’t hear and then arrange a two-week business trip for herself.
8) Males would be brainwashed at school to spend their lives saying: “You women are so lucky, the older you get, the more attractive you get.”
9) Women would lose the ability to use the phone while men would be programmed to sit at home thinking, how come she never calls?
10) On reaching the age of 42, men will get fat and depressed while women will have affairs with 22-year-olds.
Guys, I know it sounds tough, but you can get through it. I live in an apartment with a wife, two daughters, Granny, and a helper.
I’ve been living in a woman’s world for years, and there are benefits. For example, someone delivered a 5,000 calorie cheesecake to our place once.
Guess who got to eat it?
Illustration: credit unknown;