TODAY, BOYS AND GIRLS, let’s become instant experts on the Euro crisis, which is now reaching a dramatic climax, just like it did last week and the week before that, etc.
Q: What is the Euro crisis?
A: Europeans have a charming tradition of having a world-shaking crisis at regular intervals. Examples include World War I and World War II. These days, Europeans are too fat to fight so they are having an economic crisis instead!
Q: You make it sound like it’s not very serious.
A: Of course it’s serious. It’s deadly serious. There may be disruption in the flow of vital products that Europe sends out to the world, ie, overpriced designer handbags.
Q: Oh no! Will Hermes bags cost more?
A: No, they’ll cost less.
Q: So how is that bad?
A: They’ll be cheaper than Asian-made fakes, which is bad news for our friendly neighborhood counterfeiters, Third Uncle Ernie, etc.
Q: Isn’t a Euro a man who has been spayed or neutered?
A: No, that’s an aurochs. A Euro is a coin worth about one Euro.
Q: Where is Europe? Is it near America?
A: No, Europe is in Asia. It is a small cluster of countries on one side of the Asian continent (see map below), but it is not polite to mention this.
Q: Does that mean Europeans are Asians?
A: Geographically yes. But in personality, they are very different. For example, Asians get up every day and go to work, while Europeans prefer to go “on strike”.
Q: Can you explain the Euro crisis to me in a simple way?
A: Sure. Here it is in story form.
ONCE UPON A TIME, an Englishman, a German and a Frenchman walked into a bar.
The Frenchman suggests they form a commune of rich families: “Money will flow more easily, giving us more time to cultivate our stereotypical national characteristics. We French can have sex, Germans can go around being efficient, Brits can eat bad food, Greeks can be gay, and so on.”
The skeptical Englishman refuses to join and goes home to eat bad food.
The German and the Frenchman go ahead with the plan. The commune opens and a dozen or so families show bank statements at the door to join.
For a while, everything’s fine.
But then there’s an economic downturn!
The Portuguese and Irish families end up broke, unable to pay their huge VISA card bills. The Greek family reveals that it never had any money but got into the commune using fake bank statements.
Panic spreads throughout the commune. “If you rich guys don’t bail us out, we’ll go bankrupt and end up poor and humiliated,” the troubled ones say.
Uh-oh, The German and Frenchman hesitate, unwilling to spend so much.
“If you don’t bail us out, one or more of us will have to leave, and the commune will look like a failure,” the troubled ones say.
The German and the Frenchman continue to hesitate.
“If you don’t bail us out, the Englishman will say he was right all along,” the troubled ones say.
The German and the Frenchman immediately reach for their wallets. “’Ow much do you need?”
And that brings us up to the present day.
IMPORTANT SEXIST NOTE to married men: Do not show this column to your wives. They may decide to help Europe by doing some purchasing. The handbag shops are calling.
ON UNRELATED MATTERS….
There’s a lot of fakery going on in the media at the moment. Grandpa Fardel was amused by this fake news report about a plane landing with the help of a truck.
Grandpa was also amused about the discussion about the recent event where Alec Baldwin the actor delayed a plane by refusing to turn off his iPhone or similar gadget.
Now here’s the weird thing. Most people who delay a flight for such a selfish reason would be condemned. If that obnoxious person refused to apologize but sneered at airline staff trying to do their jobs, they would be condemned more.
But Alec Baldwin is a celebrity so he gets nothing but praise…
wow, is this a screwed-up world.