Steal these and be the life and soul of the party
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. Your unesteemed narrator has been appearing at holiday parties. These can be tricky. Jokes for adults go over the heads of children, while funny lines for kids receive groans from older folk, especially sarcastic teenagers.
In the end, I found a plan that worked. I made the very very youngest portion of the audience laugh, knowing that small children’s chortles are powerfully infectious. The tiny kids fell over laughing at my jokes. Everyone else laughed at them laughing.
There are lots of reasons for joy from December to February. Chinese friends celebrate Lunar New Year, Hindus celebrate Ganesha week, Jews celebrate Hannukah, Christians celebrate Christmas, Muslims celebrate Muhammad’s birthday, atheists celebrate the improved TV schedule and shopkeepers / restaurateurs celebrate everything. So here are some winter holiday jokes you can use on your friends:
Jokes for grown-ups:
1) My wife said she didn’t mind what gift I got her as long as it had diamonds in it.
I bought her a pack of cards.
***
2) Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to get into the Cathay Pacific pilot training program.
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3) Did you hear about the chess grandmasters awards ceremony at the Peninsula hotel coffee shop?
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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4) What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.
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5) What's the most popular wine [whine] on New Year’s Day?
“My head hurts.”
***
Jokes for children:
1) What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
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2) What’s the most popular food at the North Pole?
Brrrrgrrrrrzzz.
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3)What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey.
***
Jokes for silly people:
1) What do you call an elf who lives in [insert name of your nearest rich district]?
Welfy.
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2) What goes “Oh oh oh”?
Santa walking backwards.
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3) What do you call an elf walking backwards?
A fle.
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4) What did Mrs Claus say to Santa when she looked out of the window?
“Looks like rain, dear.”
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5) What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“It's Christmas, Eve.”
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Jokes for girls only:
1) What did the teenage candle say to the mommy candle?
“I am so going out tonight.”
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2) How do you know Santa is a guy?
He wears the same clothes every year.
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3) What do you get when you cross a snowman with the vampire Robert Pattinson?
Frostbite.
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4) What do Twilight vampires put on their Christmas dinner?
Grave-y.
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Jokes for boys only.
1) What’s the difference between the Pokemon called Snorlax and your dad on Christmas day?
Nothing.
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2) How do you get Ash, Brock, Misty and Pikachu into a tuk-tuk?
You poke ‘em on.
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Ultra silly jokes:
1) What is a female elf called?
A shelf.
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2) Sherlock Holmes moves to Asia. He studies the feng shui of his new home and then writes to Santa Claus: “Dear Santa, for Christmas I want you to bring me a yellow door.”
His trusty assistant Watson asks: “Why do you want a yellow door, Holmes?”
The great detective replies: “Lemon entry, my dear Watson.”
***
Okay, and here’s my favorite winter holiday joke this year:
What did one snowman say to the other?
“Can you smell carrot?”
***
Happy holidays. I’m hitting the road, off to Japan for a week – see you January 2.
