RUPERT MURDOCH sneaked into my house and upset my children. The meany!
The first time it happened, I was shocked (but not surprised). Now he’s made it a habit!
But before I get into that, did you see that picture of Rupe and his son James at their annual board meeting last week? They looked utterly miserable. God is good.
I used to be a Murdoch fan. His underlings told me he was a business genius whose revolutionary techniques transformed the media.
This argument was perfect in every way, except for being complete rubbish.
I quickly learned that Murdoch’s revolutionary method was just three words long: Profit Before People.
Try his system yourself.
1) Buy a newspaper or TV channel.
2) Jettison values.
3) Fill with lowest-common-denominator sex and violence to grab market share.
4) Pocket profits before public realizes that something good has become tacky and foul.
5) Rinse and repeat.
At the News of the World in London, the chief sub-editor once told me to try to get “sex” or “horror” into the lead paragraph of every report.
I pointed out that I was writing a story about the friendship between a dog and a duckling.
“You try it,” I said, slamming down my notebook and tipping coffee over my chinos.
Disgusted, I moved back to Asia, where my spare pants were stored. Mr Murdoch followed me to the region and bought Star TV, a station which used to run lots of family shows.
Today, it runs family shows interspersed with clips of graphic sex and violence.
My kids were watching a cute animal drama one weekend.
Suddenly, on came an ad break featured a trailer in which a blood-covered woman had sex with a rotting corpse or decomposing zombie, or it may have been one of the current communist party leaders.
The children screamed.
I grabbed the remote control and pressed the power-off button.
“The OTHER remote,” the children shouted.
I grabbed the other remote.
Nothing happened again.
“The OTHER OTHER remote,” the children shouted.
It was too late. By the time I had switched it off, the loathsome Star TV had seared into their brains several disgusting, traumatizing images, including a picture of Michael Bolton trying to dance.
Now, when they watch Star TV I have to constantly “explain away” things they see.
“I know that woman looks like she has an ax in her head, but it’s actually a traditional native hat.”
“She’s biting his leg because they’re South Pole Eskimos and that’s how they kiss.”
“The woman is screaming because she’s so happy.”
(Child terrified by TV monster)
The REAL schedule on Star TV, not the printed one, goes like this:
Family entertainment/ sex and violence clip /children’s shows /extreme gore clip / family comedy /perverted sex clip / children’s cartoons /sex murderer clip, etc.
Today, if I ever come across anything in the news which baffles me as weird, disgusting and inexplicable, I just ask my kids.
They’re experts, thanks to Murdoch’s team.
When I was a kid, I thought a “fetish” was a kind of cheese, “S&M” was a British clothing store and “bondage” was a beach in Sydney.
But finally people are starting to realize that Murdoch makes money by poisoning culture. If we return to quality media, the world will finally be ready for my neat report about a dog who befriended a duckling.