I HAVE SERIOUS bad news. News reports say that the recession has removed the power of Chief Operating Officers, the people who expand companies by investing in jobs and equipment. At the same time, it has RAISED the power of Chief Financial Officers, the guys who go around destroying expansionist projects with large axes, sometimes literally.
This worries me. I know a CFO. He eats nails for breakfast, sometimes with bits of crucified former staff members still attached.
What can we expect as people like him rise in power?
Here’s the answer:
The Staff Manual, As Re-Written by The CFO:
To save costs, from now on, all tooth extractions will be done by the engineering department.
Employees are reminded NOT to volunteer to donate blood. Blood donation will be considered Theft of Company Property.
From now on, sick leave must be booked six weeks in advance. Nobody will be allowed to be sick without prior booking. The only exception with be Death. Staff members who die need only give four weeks' notice.
We will maintain full maternity coverage for staff. However, all positions which come with pregnancy coverage will from now on be filled by men.
The staff canteen will be closed. Staff are recommended to drink a day's worth of coffee before coming to the office.
Staff members who work more than the official number of working hours will be paid extra. However, the official number of working hours from now on will be 24 per day.
All underage workers on our factory lines have been sacked. However, the "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" tradition will now be celebrated all year round, for both sexes. We suggest you drop your children off at the factory floor every morning at six a.m. and collect them at six p.m.
A competition will be held for all unit leaders to see who can pay their staff members the lowest wage. The winners will get their salaries on time.
Auditors have calculated that 12,273 kilos of office supplies items are stolen by staff every year. Each staff member will therefore be required to bring 67 sheets of A4 paper and 20 paperclips from their home to the office every week.
Staff will be pleased to hear we have obtained fire and theft insurance. The insurance company will cover, in full, the cost of any items of staff property which have been stolen while on fire.
This will no longer be allowed, as management is unable to understand this concept.
To remove the temptation of wasting time in the toilets, all toilets have been removed. Please use the facilities at home before coming to work.
If any employee has any questions about the new arrangements, please write them on paper and deliver them to the factory furnace, where they will help to lower our heating bills.
Thank you and enjoy your day.
ON AN UNRELATED NOTE…