This time, Baggins and friends take industrial action
GET THE SWORDS OUT. A new fight is about to break out in New Zealand. You thought the row between trade unions and the Hollywood guys filming The Hobbit had been resolved?
Nope.
This time, the people who are upset are the denizens of Middle Earth, who learned of their rights from leaders of NZ Actors Equity.
We have obtained an EXCLUSIVE copy of the letter sent to Peter Jackson, director of The Hobbit. Here it is:
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Dear Sir, Madam, Elf, Orc or Witch-King;
It has come to our attention that our members are not being compensated properly.
Please consider the following ten points.
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1. Meal breaks:
Regular rest periods (or compensation in lieu) must be provided. Since Gollum was hidden in a mountain for three hundred years, he is owned three meals a day for three centuries, or 32.85 million meals.
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2. Anti-discrimination policy:
No longer should all fights have elves, hobbits and humans on one side, and orcs, ringwraiths and dragons on the other. Henceforth all rebel units should include one orc, ringwraith and dragon.
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3. Pay packages should be detailed in writing:
It’s not good enough for a leader to stand on a rock, wave his sword and shout: “Kill the evil hordes and Middle-Earth will be ours.”
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4. Contract modifications:
Changes in work practices should be announced two weeks in advance. No longer will it be allowable for a supervisor to scream: “Run, there’s a dragon chasing us” and expect staff to comply.
Recommend format: “In 14 days, a dragon will attempt to burn you to death. Staff unable to run away at great speed should notify their supervisors immediately.”
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5. Record keeping:
Renaming a field “The Battleground Where 100,000 Lost Their Lives to Orcs” is not enough.
Name, time of death, and home address of relevant orc who did the killing should be provided to facilitate insurance claims.
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6. Disability leave:
One of our members, Frodo Baggins, was slashed with a magical blade, stabbed by an elephant-sized spider and had his finger bitten off. His lawyers will be in touch.
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7. Travel expenses:
Staff journeyed through Mordor to Mount Doom largely on foot. In future, a fleet of Toyota company cars must be provided, plus coupons for expressway meal stops.
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8. Sexual orientation issues:
Some of our more effete male members, including Legolas the elf, have long blond hair and take obvious care of their complexions. Any teasing or harassment will cause a walkout.
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9. Animal welfare:
Balrog the demon monster and Smaug the dragon must have expert handlers on site at all times. For every one hour wiping out rebel armies, they should have 15 minutes rest and recreation.
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10. Pregnancy leave:
Since orcs are all male, they have been unable to claim pregnancy rights. However, the union recommends they get two weeks off to engender offspring, which they make from stone and slime in cauldrons of fire.
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If the following conditions are met, filming of The Hobbit can continue. If they are not met, you will have to negotiate with someone much scarier than the semi-human monster known as The Dark Lord. Yes, I am talking about the most frightening monster on the planet: the trade union shop steward.
Mwa ha ha ha ha.
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