I RECENTLY visited an old cinema I hadn’t been to for years. The scene reminded me of a true story.
An announcement about a movie called Conan the Barbarian landed on the desk of the local newspaper’s sub-editor.
Conan? That’s not a name!
He “corrected” it to “Conrad”.
Barbarian? No such place as “Barbaria”!
He “corrected” it to “Bavarian”. As a result, the movie was listed as Conrad the Bavarian.
It sounded like a biopic of a German tourist. No one went to see it.
Inspired by the memory, I challenged regular readers and contributors and challenged them to misspell a movie title (by one letter only) and provide a revised plot. It would exercise their brains (and make a great newspaper column).
Lots of brilliant suggestions flowed in. Below are some of the highlights (congratulations to Thomas Seifert, Angela Sias, Jason Sydun, Christy Chiang, Otis Schindler, Mike Munson, Connie Tam, Paul Foxglove, Andreas and others).
Bambo: A cute deer ties a ribbon around its head and wins wars single-handedly.
The Expandables: A group of old action heroes are shocked to find they have put on several kilos.
Germinator: A man is sent back in time to spread deadly diseases.
Kill Bull: A matador seeks revenge on the bull which gored him.
Enema of the State: Scientists invent a liquid to flush bad guys out of society.
The Hound of Music: A dog teaches an Austrian family how to sing.
Supermon: Jamaica gets its first super hero.
Die Bard: School children travel back in time to kill Shakespeare before he can write any plays.
Funding Nemo: A daddy fish raises money for his son's fin-enhancement operation.
Gone with the Wine: Wife vanishes along with husband’s vintage burgundy collection.
The Right Staff: Biopic of a human resources executive.
The Dear Hunter: A lovable man shoots animals.
The Beer Hunter: Ale addict seeks out new brews.
Sax and the City: A saxophonist moves into an urban area.
Sheepless in Seattle: An urban shepherd boy turns his sheep into mutton stew.
Lord of the Wings: A streetside food vendor is commissioned to take the one true chicken wing and deep-fry it in a volcano.
The Lost Starfighter: The last hope of the galaxy loses his map.
The Green Bile: Sci-fi movie about alien stomach acids which take over the world.
Nine to Fire: An investment bank boss has to sack staff.
Pump Fiction: A reporter uncovers oil company lies about safety protocols.
Highlender: A rogue banker causes economic meltdown.
Mass Congeniality: Peace breaks out between Israel and Palestine.
Get Kmart: A businessman orders his staff to purchase a large chain of shops.
Nothing Hill: A developer builds an estate but no one wants to live there.
Send it like Beckham: A postman becomes famous for sending letters around obstacles.
Pilates of the Caribbean: People on beautiful islands do stretching exercises.
The Karate Kim: The Dear Leader in North Korea learns martial arts.
The DIY After Tomorrow: A docudrama on the future of home repairs.
Dye Hard: A fabric salesman develops innovative colors.
Crease: A domestic helper irons a pile of pants.
Okay, the above films sound highly original, right?
And just wait till the sub-editor at my old newspaper has “corrected” them.
Movie pairing problems 2: There Will Be Blood and Definitely Maybe
Movie pairing problems 3: Fear Dot Com and Care Bears
ON UNRELATED MATTERS… The column above appears in newspapers today, but started, as regular readers will know, as a game in the comments column earlier this summer. Well done, guys, you managed to entertain hundreds of thousands of people in various countries! What geniuses you are.
You deserve a:
*** ((HUGE ROUND OF APPLAUSE))***
As someone said in the comments column yesterday, I spent yesterday as master of ceremonies at a TED conference in Hong Kong.
TED stands for Technology Entertainment and Design and has a reputation for being the “coolest” talking shop on the planet—generally because it has celebrity speakers. But I’m talking about GOOD celebrities who are actually achieving things, rather than vacuous ones. (Cross fingers that Paris Hilton actually gets what she deserves this time—four years in jail.)
At yesterday’s TED meeting, Jane Goodall, famous for her work with monkeys in Africa, was the star speaker. The Hong Kong TED was just a small offshoot of the big one, but if you have some time to spare, click this link to see loads of amazing speakers, from the main TED conference: it’s all free.