Nosebleeds are how we communicate
By Nury Vittachi
The phone rang. It was a Western reporter from an international newspaper wanting to ask me a question: "Do Asians celebrate Valentine's Day?"
"Sure," I replied. "In India they get these heavy wooden clubs and form armed gangs to force pairs of friends to get married. It's really romantic."
"That doesn't sound romantic," she replied.
"It's an Asian thing," I explained.
Ah, love is a tough thing to communicate. And even tougher when it comes to crossing intercultural barriers.
To explain Asian romance, I forwarded her an article from Chinasmack.com, called "Ten signs a girl has fallen in love with a man".
This list, written by a woman named Tianya, shows how you can tell if a mainland Chinese woman loves you.
1. The woman makes requests with hidden meanings, Tianya says. Her example: When you are "on your way back from singing songs at the karaoke bar, a girl will suddenly say to you: 'Can you help me keep this bag of milk warm?'"
2. If a woman starts a conversation with a man, she is in love. "Otherwise, a girl would rather be beaten to death than risk the kind of social criticism that goes along with that behavior," Tianya points out.
3. The woman will fuss over your clothing. Tianya says men should watch out for girls who say things like: "Why are you just wearing such little clothing?" This "may seem like just normal politeness, but in fact is her limitless love".
4. The woman can stop your nose bleeding with a verbal command. "When a guy likes a girl, he will be so nervous his nose will bleed uncontrollably. Yet with just a few words, that girl can effortlessly stop the nosebleed that could not be stopped."
5. The woman will go into a trance-like state. "Whenever a girl likes a man, there is always something called hormones that will cause mischief, something secreted on a woman's body, often causing trouble for women, making them unable to control themselves."
6. The woman will ask personal questions. Men who do this should be avoided, Tianya warns. "On the other hand, if it is a girl, a delicate girl, then your caution is unnecessary. With this, there is only one possibility: She has already begun to like you."
7. The woman will wink at you. "This is an oft-used weapon of devastating power that women use, making even the most powerful men defenseless," says Tianya.
8. The woman's face will turn bright red. "A girl meeting a man she likes will be so shy that her face turns red, all the way to her ears, her entire face flushed, just like a bright shiny spring tomato."
9. The woman will give you a watch. "Men who receive a wristwatch already know that it is a very unusual special gift packed full of meaning."
10. The woman will behave like a spoiled child. For example, if she says, "Hey, let's go eat!" she will "then add in a few whiney baby-like noises," Tianya says.
The article above (which is real, I didn't make up any of it -- click here for the original) explains why no woman from mainland China has ever fallen in love with me.
I wouldn't know how to keep a bag of milk warm and never realized I should compliment women by bleeding profusely from my nose.
Love is strange.